Ptolemae (Natania)

Dear Tree, Well, your advice was right. Yes you might not believe it, but I did listen to you. I am not a big enough idiot to ignore advice from my god meant just for me. I tried my very best to follow it. And fuck you but you were right. Asshole. We had another arc as you well know, and while I think I was pretty helpful in a little way, it was a group effort that saved us. Valen made the slimescreen, Lux made the big ass “tree of lighting” (what do you think of that? I think it’s kind of cute) and Leilani helped him come up with it, we all evacuated people together, other people talked to elementals and found out about the fog, stuff like that. You said the problem was bigger than me, so the solution had to be bigger than me too. Well that was the case. Are you happy now? This is good in many ways. For the first time this party has gotten something done on time. I am glad we are capable of it, and I hope we keep this trend up. But in some ways I am almost more upset. I am happy we all survived the arc much better this time, obviously. I am happy the party whipped its ass into shape finally. But I still… I feel like everyone thinks I am an asshole. And I am. But I feel like they think it for the wrong reasons. I do not yell at people and get impatient and angry because I am being mean, I get it because it feels like I’m the only one who cares. The party waited MONTHS to start actually preparing for the arc. They waited right up until the last minute. And yes it worked, but we knew it would come again, I have been saying it would, saying we should try to find solutions for so long, but everyone tells me “oh this is just how we are in lakeshore Ptolemae.” Ok, well, be different then! We all might die!!!! I know, I know, I know, you probably are thinking I need to let go and trust them more. But how can I when I never feel like I’m being listened to or taken seriously. People dismiss me, sometimes I think they think I’m a joke, they don’t acknowledge how I am often right. All the time, but especially last month, a lot of people, especially especially Leilani and Obb, were so dismissive to me. Especially especially especially Leilani. Ooooh “Everyone has opinions Ptolemae” and mine is that we should do something to figure out why we are blowing up and stop it??? Shut the fuck up I will bludgeon you!!! (I will not. To be clear). I say “we should move on” 9 different times and no one listens until someone else says it. I said “this is a dreamscape shard thing” about those fish last month 4 different times and no one listened until Obb said it and then everyone was like “ooooooooooh this is a dreamscape shard thing!!!” I guess I just feel unacknowledged. I wish someone would acknowledge that I am right more often than they give me credit for. That they should listen to me when I speak. I should probably quit being a baby and suck it up, but I don’t feel like it. Maybe if I was nicer things wouldn’t be like this. I know I am a judgmental asshole, and maybe this is all me having a big head and thinking I am better than everyone. But many of them are also judgmental assholes, they are just nicer about it. I wish I had a bedside manner Tree, but I don’t. I have heard people joke about me liking Valen, very Lakeshore of them to do so, but that’s not the reason I spend so much time around him (now maybe if he was a woman it would be, but everyone has their flaws). I wish I was able to be kind and patient and understanding like him. And as good a doctor, but I know that one will come with time. But the other one, it feels so unnatural to me, like I can never do it. How does he do it? Does he ever get mad?? How does he keep a straight face even when people are being big big idiots?? When Calix PD'd turned into water Valen was so nice to him, and what did I do? I yelled at him and insulted him. Yes he was saying the stupidest thing possible and deserved it, but... time and place Ptolemae. I think maybe if I watch and learn from Valen long enough, something of that niceness will rub off on me. But I am glad the arc was better than last time. We have a lot of work to do, but it most certainly could be worse. I am not only a pessimist. And I am trying not to be egotistical about this. I couldn’t help more- so what? I helped enough. I am not a superhero who can do everything. But in the back of my head is a little man who says I could be if I tried harder, but I think that little man is my ego who thinks I am better than I actually am. I think I should kill him so he shuts up. If only it were that easy. It is hard to start working with other people after being so self-reliant for so long. I think maybe it would’ve been easier if I did not end up with these people who are all so fucking nosey and judgy. Maybe if you had wanted me to actually trust the people around me to be competent you would’ve sent me somewhere with people who I can actually get along with. I am fucking trying. I will keep trying. But god (that’s you bitch) damn it why here? Are you testing me? Booooo. I guess they do make pretty good food. And they can be nice. Sometimes. And I'll admit the weather is pretty good. And the hot pepper eating contests are fun. Well. In other news, there is much mystery to be uncovering. Researching. I still think the party gets too in their head about magic and scientific discovery, but there is a lot we need to be discovering, I agree much more now. I’ve decided I will stop being so contrarian about this. I have so many questions, about leylines and mana and mana wells and manarash and colors and divine and primal mixing to make magic and mutations and theories and… so many many other things. What the fuck is going on here? Can we make the “tree of lightning” bigger and fit more people? What else can that do? Can Lux shut the fuck up about “””Tell me your STORY so I might pass it on””” and concentrate on inventing from here on out? I also have freebirth now. FINALLY!! You have no idea how useless I have felt without it, especially with how often our party dies. But nowwhack whack- you’re alive!! Free of charge. And I am feeling strange effects from the arc I ground. I do not know exactly what it means or what it can do yet, but it definitely helped with this arc. I can do something more with it I’m sure. Maybe I will start specializing in some sort of strange medicine because of this. Maybe I can heal magical wounds better? Maybe something to do with the mutations? I do not know. I can also start training witch soon!! I just need to finish my healer mastery and then it will be time. I am very excited. I hope he will still be willing to train me, I asked him a while ago if he would. Anything else? I am thinking of learning to do a backflip again. That would be cool. Oh well. I know I complain so much all the time, but I really am happy we’ve made so much progress. I will keep trying on my own issues, keep trying to trust my party. But I want you to know that I don’t like it. I will do it though, just for you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Fuck you for everything else though. Love, Ptolemae Tava P.S. If you feel like telling me about how my family is doing, maybe just a little premonition, I’d appreciate that.