Kaja (Dylan) I

First of Ninthmoon How am I grateful for yesterday? I must admit that yesterday was hard, but I must be grateful for the fact that I was able to find time to meet with Mother today. That I had that to look forward to, with purpose to learn about the feelings of being lost, and unsure of myself. I too am grateful that I was able to eat till I was full, and help those who needed my wisdom. What would make today better than yesterday? Today could be better than yesterday if I am able to make progress on my necklace. I have had little free time, so a day of rest will be good. I will journey to visit Mother, and see if the change in environment will help me focus on finding inspiration for what to add to it. I have high hopes. One thing I must accomplish today I must seek answers for the strain I feel almost daily now. Mother has promised an explanation, and only provided hints at it before now but I know she is reluctant to leave things out in the open, rather enjoying pushing me to learn on my own, but I fear this is something more personal. Paku and I are people, not like the spiritual powers I must find “on my own.” What did I achieve today? I do not know. This does not feel like wisdom. What lessons did I learn? I met with Mother today. We spoke of Paku and I’s birth. The food we ate reminded me of family dinners when we were young. I miss that thought, that I would meet paradise when I got to eat her food. Now, I know it to be false, but I cannot contain my happiness when I smell her food. She told me this, “Kaja, wisdom comes in waves, when laziness is banished. But happiness is felt strongest when laziness is earned.” I appreciate her. What am I feeling right now? I feel anxious and confused. I am afraid, and do not know how to deal with everything Mother told me. Am I supposed to be at fault? Was it my fault? I do not know if the guilt is something I should bear. Am I angry at her? Or angry at myself, for being capable of such things to Paku? I did not know I did anything, but.. It explains some. Will we have to carry the weight of it for the rest of our lives? Certainly. Sorrow, grief, pain. Paku, I am sorry for what I did. I did not know, I did not realize. Mother, why did you wait so long? I understand, certainly it must have been just as painful to know, to hold that knowing, to keep it from me. From us. I do not know how I could face Paku now, but it feels worse to know that now she is feeling what I am feeling without knowing why. These emotions, things I have been feeling without feeling. I should findher, I must find her. But will I have the strength to tell her, like Mother had to tell me? How could today have been better? I do not know. I do not know what will make tomorrow better either. I feel even more lost than I did yesterday. I just wish there was someone who knew what I was going through, who went through it too. I will ask the ancestors for guidance.