Axin (Dylan)

When Dad died, I never really had the opportunity to feel those emotions for the longest time. Mom could not eat or drink on her own, and I was taking care of her. She was taking care of me too, and it was when I fell down the stairs that she snapped out of it really; she needed me, yes, but I needed her. It was so much easier for us when Dad was alive. When mom started to get sick, I think it triggered the same reaction in me to care for her on my own, to handle things on my own. I know she can get help though! Hell, I know how too! If I mess up, I don’t know what I would do. If I can’t save her, When I was rebirthed by Alaina, the first thought I had was nowhere close to ‘how is Reed.’. It was my responsibility again, but this time it was not a ‘maybe’ I fuck it up, it was a ‘I am going to fuck it up.’ I told Reed what to do, and he trusted me. He got charmed because of me, and maybe if he hadn’t been charmed, those gang members would’ve just killed him normally. Once he got charmed, he was my responsibility; I should have gotten him carried out of the encounter, even before the morganti showed up. Why the fuck did I go looking for that?? Who in their right mind would feel that fear and want to find it. I’d always heard of the stories of them coming to life, but when it happened in front of me, Only other two people got hit by it. At least Carbat didn’t take morganti. Why am I happy about that? If Reed survived and Carbat got hit, does that make it worse? Because that would have meant it was even more my fault? I just, I don’t know what I should have done. It hearing Alaina tell us that we did a good job,, I don’t know how I would be feeling had she not. I needed to hear the amount of kids we saved, the importance of the Bard School, otherwise I don’t know if I could come back next month. I want to get Cleanse so badly. Imagining mom or Lune or someone like that running at me with a desperation to hurt me. I can do something about that in the future. I need to. Having something to take it all out on afterwards, that was really nice. I could fight to the best of my abilities, heal people, That felt good. I fought with my friends and actually won. Rescuing those people, that was what it was for. I really appreciate Lune for taking care of me today. Especially after what happened. I’m sure he must feel awful too; he died much earlier, and had to hear what happened afterwards. I think he could tell that it was weighing on my a lot though. Neev too; she let me use her sword in the fight against the Riverkin. I’m not sure if it was my imagination, but Alana seemed nicer to me as well. Who knows with her. I sure don’t. I can hardly even remember what else happened today. Two people went into some weird fey portals. One wintery, one spring. Some people took candy from fey, most of them resolved their debts. Mont didn’t, of course. Mont is also mind controlled, but it seems unremovable, even by Karim. Maybe Alaina or them could scry Mont? When he took the bone, it pissed me off so much. I should apologize. Alana did the same too, but with her at least I feel like I know why. Mont creeps me out. I think Alana got the bag as well? I should ask her if I see her. Or care. Lune told me they met Compassion. Their ‘siblings,’ or something are also in the city? Don’t know what that means. Getting those kids to safety must have been really important. I’m glad we did that. I forget what else was on the board. I think I’m going to head in early tonight. I think it will take me too long to fall asleep otherwise. I do have one dose of sleeplessness herbs still if I need it. I think I want to do something for Reed tomorrow, or over this month.